If I Were President: A Directive to End Sharp-Object Wahala

If I were president, I’d issue a national directive to curb street violence and restore peace to compounds, buses, streets, and family gatherings. No one would carry any sharp object larger than a table knife without proper approval. Cutlasses, mysterious uncle knives, and sentimental screwdrivers stay at registered workplaces. Unlicensed public carrying of machetes, daggers, or swords becomes an offence. All animal slaughter shifts to government-approved centres under strict sanitation rules. Suspicious blood in compounds or drainage systems triggers investigations, and neighbours become the first line of intelligence. Public conduct rules ban shouting matches, seat-fighting, conductor wrestling, and bus brawls. Each citizen may carry one table knife or an approved shock device for self-defence. Ministries collaborate to roll out enforcement within 90 days—and please, stop hiding weapons in rice bags.

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