Satirical Directive: Get Your Relationship Certificate Before Saying “We’re Dating”

My fellow citizens, After years of confusion over relationship status, this administration declares a new satirical rule: anyone claiming “that’s my girlfriend” or “we’re dating” must show a valid Relationship Certificate signed by both parties. Secret or imagined romances no longer count. Smiles, likes or “we’ve been talking” won’t qualify as proof. Certificates expire when either partner withdraws consent, and breakups no longer need a panel of friends to investigate. While the government can’t mend broken hearts, it hopes to reduce nationwide confusion. From today, the next question after “We’re dating” won’t be “Since when?” but “Can I see the certificate?”

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